The Snow Covered Window
by Vfvd
Summary: If you're upset, it's always better to tell someone why, as Edmund soon learns... even if it may have surprising results.


With his fingers numb from the cold and a light dusting of snow in his hair, Peter paused for breath at the bottom of the stairs. It was late evening, and he had just come from enjoying a post-dinner snowball match in the grounds with his sisters (which he was winning), but he had not been able to focus fully. There was one thing missing. Edmund.

For the past few months, his younger brother had become further and further away from him, and Susan and Lucy also, not at all like he used to be. He rarely spoke to his siblings, and preferred being by himself. At first, Peter thought that he was maybe being over-protective, but today his sisters had mentioned it too, expressing their worries. Therefore, Peter decided, it was the opportune moment to speak with him and find out what was affecting him so.

Upon reaching Edmund's room, Peter flung the door to his chamber open, and after casting his eyes around, was about to leave when he caught sight of his brother sitting in the window seat as silently as a statue with his knees tucked up beneath his chin, staring out upon their snow filled kingdom. To his relief, his panic quickly faded as he saw him. "Ed?", he called calmly, not wanting to startle him. "Pete", his brother replied in a monotonous voice, without even looking up at him.

"Oh Edmund, what's wrong? You've seemed ever so morose recently- it isn't like you. And what on earth are you doing up here all by yourself?". Slowly, Edmund turned around to face Peter, and he realised with a heart-wrenching pang that his bother's face was pale, and his eyes red rimmed. In an instant, he crossed the room and sat next to him on the crimson cushion, tucking his legs beneath him. "You must be lonely- come outside and join in the snowball fight, Susan and Lucy were wondering where you were. It's getting late, but you could have one last game with them", Peter offered as a way to cheer up his brother. "Tell them I'm perfectly fine by myself", Edmund replied dully, causing Peter's heart to sink. "Please leave me alone Peter".

After pausing, Peter stood up, and walked towards the door, causing Edmund to sigh with relief, and resuming bleakly gazing at the horizon. However, to his horror, Peter returned moments later with a candle, that he placed on the small table next to the dormer window, and sat where he had been previously.

Tenderly, he placed a hand on Edmund's shoulder and squeezed it genially. "So", he said, quietly but firmly. "When are you going to tell me what is bothering you? You're my brother; I'm worried about you! I won't leave until you tell me".

At first, Edmund avoided the question, but after a while, moaned, "Oh Peter", his eyes downcast, making him appear as miserable as though he had the cares of the world on his shoulders. "I'm sorry, I really am. I've been so stupid! You're right, you are my only brother, and if I can't confide in you, then whom can I confide in? Because I don't know who else I can tell, I really don't!"

"Of course", Peter confirmed. "You can tell me anything you want, I promise. And don't be silly, you're not stupid- just upset". After a pause, he continued. "In my experience, it always helps if you tell people your problems. No good will ever come of keeping them bottled up inside of you. And if you can't tell your brother, who can you tell?"

"I suppose you're right" Edmund said wearily. He opened his mouth, but then stopped. "First, give me your word that no matter what I tell you, you won't get angry and start acting in an authoritarian manner, like Father".

Peter smiled weakly at Edmund's way with words, but could see that his brother was serious, so hastily said, "I won't get angry- although I can't imagine anything you could possibly tell me that would shock me that much!"

"Well...", Edmund began, nibbling his lower lip in nervousness. "You say that I've been withdrawn recently, that I've been...different. I'm sorry if I have- I want you to know that there is a reason behind that". He timidly looked up and saw Peter regarding him attentively, his eyes locked upon his own, which gave him the courage to continue.

"I realised some time ago; several months, that is, that... I harbour romantic feelings for those of my own gender". Edmund's voice trembled slightly as he finished his sentence, but did not break eye contact with his brother.

"Oh Ed", Peter whispered. He didn't doubt for a moment that what his brother had told him was true, but simply couldn't believe it. To him, Edmund had always been his little brother, but now it seemed that he was as grown up as he was himself, if he was experiencing 'romantic feelings', as he so called them.

"I know that it's illegal. It's disgusting, like an illness. That's what they told us at school", Edmund said miserably.

Awkwardly, Peter leant forwards and patted Edmund's hand in a fraternal way, desperate to set him at ease, whilst trying at the same time to conceal the shock he felt now he realised that Edmund too was male inclined. For he too harboured a dark secret that was far worse than Edmund's own; for he was ardently in love with none other than Edmund himself. It had taken him years to admit it to himself, and when he had, he had been so very disgusted with his own body that he felt as though he could never forgive himself. For many months, the very knowledge of his love had caused him endless sleepless nights and bouts of inner turmoil. Being fully aware of England's values, Peter knew that his affections were far worse than Edmunds', and was therefore determined to set him at ease.

"Edmund trust me, you are not disgusting. That's only what people say when they don't understand. And although it's illegal in England, it's not here in Narnia. So there's no problem".

"Mmm", said Edmund, although he still didn't seem to have cheered up. "But we aren't really over endowed with that many... eligible males here though, so it wouldn't be a problem".

"No, I suppose you're right", Peter said, unable to think of anything else to say. He resigned to staring out of the mullioned window, becoming captivated by the beautiful flakes of falling snow, so he was unaware of Edmund observing him keenly.

However, all of a sudden, a thought occurred to him. "Ed, if you only realised not long ago how you felt- that is, after we came to Narnia, then how did you realise you liked boys? As you said yourself, there aren't exactly that many here".

The seed of a blush was planted deep within Edmund, and quickly grew to spread across his cheeks and neck. He squirmed, visibly distressed, and stared fixedly at the window, deliberately avoiding Peter's gaze.

"Well... that's the next bit of my confession. It is repugnant and there is evidently something badly wrong with me to cause it, and perhaps once I tell you it shall become obvious. But you need to know- that way, when you have eventually overcome the sentiment of disgust, perhaps you can advise me on how to deal with it in-in a sensible manner. Pete, I don't have feelings for boys in general... there's one boy that has stolen my heart. One boy that I love".

"One boy?", Peter echoed, his voice cracking. As Edmund nodded dolefully, he frantically cast his mind around, thinking of a possible male, but no obvious one came to mind. _Who then?_ He thought desperately. _Perhaps it's someone he knew before he came to Narnia, but only realised that he loved them after he arrived… but he was so young when we left England…_

By now, he was almost speechless with misery. Even though it broke his heart, he decided that he would be able to come to terms with the fact that Edmund was in love. _I must_, he told himself. _Edmund has clearly grown up, I just haven't noticed it. However, he will always be my brother, and it would be childish to be cross at him due to emotions that are out of his control. After all… __no boy should love his brother like I love him._

With an attempt at a winning smile, he said, "Well Ed… I'm happy for you. Really- I am". After a moment's hesitation, he cautiously said, "May... may I enquire as to the identity of your love? Only I'm rather curious".   


"Yes", Edmund said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm sorry, Peter, but… it… it's you".

A dense silence hung in the air between the two brothers, causing the mere inches of space between them to seem like thousands of miles. Peter, whose eyes had become glazed over by his brother's admission, was suddenly returned to reality by Edmund's low sob, as he tumbled off the seat in a heap and stumbled across the room, making a beeline for the door.

"Edmund! Come back!", Peter stammered, sliding off window ledge, almost standing on his own feet in his haste as he tried with all his might to prevent his brother from leaving. Edmund paused with one hand on the doorknob, and turned around to face his brother, his face brilliantly pale yet resolute. "Peter, let me leave. Please", he said, not quite looking his brother in the eye. "I never should have told you what I did… I'll go and we can forget that I ever said it".

"No, Edmund", Peter said quietly. With an embarrassed scowl, Edmund muttered, "What do you mean 'no'?". "Come back", Peter repeated. Resolutely, Edmund returned to where his brother was sitting once more, and shuffled next to him. "Pete, aren't you angry at me?"

"No", Peter said quietly as he gently brushed a strand of hair out of Edmund's eyes, swallowing at how beautiful he seemed in the candlelight. "You've been truthful with me today, Ed, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you feel as though you can confide in me. The least that you deserve is for me to be truthful to you. And I… I feel for the male gender in the same way that you do".

"What?", Edmund murmured, unable to believe his ears. For him, it seemed impossible that his own brother Peter, whom he considered to be the manliest of all men, the model to which he aspired, also harboured homosexual tendencies.

His pulse racing, Peter continued. "And more than that…Edmund, I love you!" Peter saw his brothers' eyes widen in shock, but he continued. "I love you so much that when I'm near you, I can barely breathe! I…I've loved you for so long…" Edmund gently placed a trembling hand against Peter's warm cheek, halting his continual babbling. "Pete", he whispered. "Is this really true?"

"Yes. Oh Edmund, yes!" Without fully realising what he was doing, Peter leant forward and pulled Edmund into a tight embrace, this time as a lover as well as his brother. He could barely understand his good fortune as he cradled his Edmund, whom he loved so dearly. Peter could not begin to comprehend his happiness; the fact that the being that he loved more than any other loved him back caused him to tremble with joy.

Edmund's heart pounded with shock as he felt Peter's arms enclose around him, and he placed one hand on each of Peter's warm shoulders, pressing his face up against the warm curve of his brother's neck. _He really does love me_, Edmund thought, his mind nearly blank because of his happiness, and only capable of forming that one thought. _How is this possible?_

He pulled back slightly, so as to fully observe his brother, and before he could comprehend what was happening, Peter bent forward with all the tenderness he possessed, and captured Edmunds' lips in a fond and loving kiss. Shocked, Edmund squeezed his eyes shut as he felt his brother's mouth on his own. Despite both the boys' inexperience, the kiss was, in their eyes, perfect, and neither of them wanted it to end.

However, after several long moments, Peter released his brother, and leant back against the window, panting. Eagerly, Edmund shuffled so that he was sitting directly in Peter's lap with his legs dangling to the floor. "Pete", Edmund said, caressing a lock of his brother's hair and watching the shadows of the snowflakes travel down his face. "Are you sure that… that you want this? I do love you, but it _is_ illegal!"

"Yes. I've never been more certain about anything else in my life- and besides, it isn't forbidden here", Peter said, smiling lovingly at Edmund as he wrapped his arms around his neck. "I know I'm your older brother and I'm supposed to be responsible for you, but-". "Now you can be responsible for me because you love me, not just because you're my brother", Edmund finished for him. "Exactly", Peter continued. "Even if laws of our land do prohibit it- and besides, I'm sure none of them who wrote the laws understood how we feel- some writing on a piece of paper won't change how I feel for you, Ed. Nothing can".

"Me neither" said Edmund, gently kissing Peter's cheek. "I just wished I'd told you earlier, instead of moping around in a blue fog for weeks on end-but I would never have guessed that you love me; not in a million years!"

"I know", Peter agreed. "I'd never have guessed that you loved me either; but you look happier now than you have done in so long…". "I really couldn't be happier", Edmund mused, as he swung his legs up to rest on Peters', and balanced his head against his chest, Peter stroking Edmund's soft hair. The two brothers resigned to sitting there quietly, as the candle burned lower and lower.

Sometime later, Edmund was vaguely aware of Peter lifting him up and carrying him over to his four-poster bed, before settling in next to him pulling the many blankets over them both. "Am I dreaming?", Edmund mumbled as he burrowed even closer to Peter. "No", Peter murmured, kissing his forehead. "It's not a dream- I'm here, shhhh". "Pete", Edmund yawned, and with both of them curled up together like hibernating foxes during a winter chill, it was not long before they both fell asleep, entwined as one. The night progressed through the darkest hour and onto first light, the boys slumbering peacefully all the while, as the snow fell softly and evenly outside.


End file.
